Manly Bonding
by iluvcarlisle
Summary: Just random drabble and short tales of manly bonding time at the Cullen house...
1. Chapter 1

**This one is... disturbing on many levels, but its funny. Now, we all owe a hand to... MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY! (Spelling?" ) Anyway, enjoy. **

**This is Jasper's point of View. **

"Jasper?" Emmett was in one of those moods. One of those scary, funny, infectious moods that means two things. 1. Emmett got booty. (The likely one.) or 2. Emmett has a plan. (Just as likely.)

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "Yes?"

Humor was rolling off of Emmett in waves. "Have you... Have you ever thought of naming your...?" His head kind of twitched down.

I looked totally clueless.

"Your... Yah..." Emmett pointed at his lap.

I gawked at him. I closed my eyes and counted to ten, then opened them. Then I stopped breathing. After ten seconds, I picked up a regular breathing pattern again. "Are you kidding?"

Emmett shook his head.

I laughed like a maniac. "You have to be kidding! I have never ever thought of naming my_ penis!"_ I shrieked.

Emmett looked at me, then at his pants. "I was thinking Ken for me."

I sat there in stunned silence. "Are you kidding me?" I repeated the phrase over and over, trying to validate the prank in my head. "You have to be... It must be a-"

"I was thinking Rex for you." He smirked. "You need to man up... its a good, beefy name. And Lord almighty _knows Emmett got beef..." _

I exhaled. "Not Rex..." I said slowly. "Thats to... rocker... "

Emmett agreed. I perched my chin in my hands and started thinking.

"I got it!" Emmett eventually screamed.

"What?" I hated to admit this, but I was excited to hear the name. "Major." He said finally.

I smiled at him.

"Its perfect." Emmett looked pleased with himself.

But we both knew there was one more person who needed a little help... "Edward?" I said thoughtfully.

"Betsy." Emmett murmured.

"Chip." I volleyed back.

I started laughing. "How about Sophia?"

"Or Hunter?"

"Edward!?" I yelled.

He appeared at the door looking totally clueless. "Betsy or Hunter?"

He looked thoughtful. "Hunter."

**There you go... I wanted to try that one really bad, so tell me what you think... **


	2. Chapter 2

**This is the nest installment in Manly Bonding... enjoy.**

**This is Emmett's point of view. **

"Hunter wants _you_." I pointed at Bella.

Bella rolled her eyes and laughed. "Emmett! Did you take your pills this morning?" She came over to me, and stood on her tip toes, feeling my forehead.

I smirked. We hadn't told anybody that we'd named Edward's... yah... "Hunter wants _you."_ I repeated.

Bella sat back down on the couch. "Where's Edward?"

"Probably at Newton's Outfitters... He needs some balls." I laughed.

Bella scowled at me. "Seriously Emmett!" She threw a pillow at me.

"Why is a human attacking me?" I threw my hands over my head. "Edward is, _seriously, hunting Grizzly Bears." _I pouted again. Since when is Emmett the babysitter.

"Hello Jasper." Bella's announcement shocked me.

"Yo Jasper... Major." I fell on the floor rolling around laughing.

"Emmett... Ken..." Jasper joined me.

Bella sat on the couch. "Why me? What did I do to deserve this?"

"You got voted in... HEY!" I shrieked. Jasper immediately spun to look at me.

"What?" joined me.

Bella sat on the

"We forgot somebody." I murmured. My lips had pulled together in a devious smirk.

"CARLISLE!" Jasper yelled. "Duh."

I nodded. "Carlisle."

We both took a seat on either side of Bella. She rested her head on my shoulder. I pulled a blanket over her small body. "Warm?" I asked.

She nodded. "Thanks... Now you had better tell me who 'Ken' is..." She pleaded with me.

"No way." i shook my head.

"EUREKA!" Jasper shouted.

"You are not a gold miner!" I yelled back.

"No no no." Jasper shook his head. "In the Colonial times this is what farmers or miners would yell when they struck gold." He explained matter-of-factly.

I nodded. "The Colonial Times weren't very good to you? Were they?"

Jasper cringed.

"I got it." Jasper repeated.

"Well! Lets hear!"

Jasper looked pretty damn scary as he murmured that one work. "Charlie."

I nodded. "Hell yes."

"Edward!" Bella was in Edward's arms before I could blink.

"Hello love." He murmured. Edward snuggled Bella to his chest, and planted his lips on hers.

"Hows Hunter?" I asked.

Edward looked surprised. "Hunter? Whats 'Hunter'?"

Jasper glared at me. "You didn't tell him!"

I shook my head. "Better you than me!"

Jasper stood up, and advanced on me. "You son of a bitch..."

My jaw fell open. " I AM NOT GONNA TELL EDWARD THAT WE NAMED HIS PENIS HUNTER!" I was seething.

Jasper looked smug about something.

"I just told him.." i cringed. "didn't I?"

Jasper nodded.


	3. Chapter 3

**This is the next chapter! Enjoy. Cece**

"Emmett... Cullen."

I shuddered as Edward pronounced my name. "Thats my name."

"Did Jasper help?" He stood there. Bella rubbing circles on his lower back, and him. Pinching the bridge of his nose, and seething.

"Yah... We had a hell of a time." I laughed.

"Hell- Oh..." Jasper sank to the couch with Alice, next to me.

I smiled. "Jazz... We're screwed." I murmured.

He nodded. "Edward... Are you okay?"

Edward shook his head, and started advancing. He effortlessly broke Bella's grip on his waist. "You named my... my..."

"Spit it out!" Alice yelled. "Your penis! They named your penis! There." She sat back down next to Jasper, giving Edward a devious look. "Thats why I keep seeing Jasper hanging from a mountain in his under wear..." She nodded. "It all makes sense."

I laughed. "That was actually my idea..." I cringed as Jasper glared at me.

"Yes Alice... They named my..." He exhaled. "_penis." _

I think Edward though Alice would be mad... but she actually, looked intrigued. "Really?"

I nodded. "We all got names." I looked at Ken.

Edward caught that, and chose his next question carefully. "What are the names?"

Bella was clearly enthralled that someone got Edward to talk about his penis. "Well..." I started. "mine is Ken, Jasper's is Major, and Carlisle's is Charlie..." I pointedly left out his.

Bella just about died laughing. "Thanks guys."

Alice looked at Jasper... then at his pants. "Major..." She bit her lip, and looked up under her lashes. "kinda sexy."

My jaw fell open. "Rose..."

She sat next to me. "I'm gonna have to agree..."

I smirked at Edward, who shook his head, and started mumbling about Clorox. "What about me?"

Jasper looked at me. "You picked."

Edward's jaw fell. "You.. mean... You... Hunter?" He finally spit it out.

I nodded, Rose's hands were distracting me.

Bella fell off the couch laughing. "Thats what you were yelling about!"

I nodded. "Yah... 'Hunter wants _you!_'" I quoted.

Bella wrapped me in hug. "I love you guys."

"What?!" Edward roared.

I sunk back into the couch just as Jasper did.

"We.. I... Yes Edward. _I was yelling about your penis!" _I screamed it to the house.

"Kids?" Esme appeared.

I nodded, and Rosalie gave her an angelic smile. "Emmett and Jasper got bored.." She sighed. "They decided to name their penis'." She shrugged.

Esme looked at me. "You're kidding? Right?"

I shook my head. "I'm Ken. Jasper is Major, Edward is Hunter..." I took a break to laugh. "Don't worry.. we didn't forget... Carlisle's is Charlie..."

Esme's eyes turned cloudy. "Sexy..." She murmured.

I stood up with Rose. Sick of being tortured by her hands. "Well, dear Eddie learned a lesson today..." I turned to him. "Girls dig the names."


	4. Chapter 4

**He he... **

Edward cringed as I walked into the room, his breath becoming shallow.

"Brother." I clapped him on the back, and laughed.

Edward exhaled sharply and glared at me... I guess he was put off by the name.. but I don't know why, because Rosalie seemed to like mine... "Emmett." I laughed again at his voice. He sounded like a constipated cat.

"How are you?" I sunk into the seat across from him and stretched. Letting the pull of my muscles relax the strain. "Cause I'm good." I sighed as the last hour floated back into my head.

Rose was so beautiful.. especially the way she would arch her back and- "Shit!" I glowered at Edward.

"Your mind is so..." He shuddered.

I rubbed my head. "Beautiful? Magnificent? Lovely?"

Edward rolled his eyes. "Shallow?"

I leaned back into the couch. Silently appraising Edward.

He needed to loosen up a little... maybe attempt a little something different in his relationship. Did he realize I

just wanted to see him happy and fulfilled?

"Thanks Emmett."

"I'm serious." I watched Edward's face.

He nodded. "I know."

"Thats -."

"Ahhh..."

I fell off the couch, and Edward looked appalled. "What the hell?"

She was pleading with him. "Come on Carlisle... Wheres Charlie?"

"I need some Clorox... I'm going to Bella's." Edward turned and walked out of the couch.

I started laughing again. Alice would probably join me soon.

"_She_ liked the name." Jasper murmured running out the front door.


End file.
